"Tormented"
I feel like throwing up.
I dont know what to do with myself. I hate this feeling. This Ooozynessnessness that i can't displace. I hate not being able to sleep. I hate my nightmares. I want them to stop. They are worse then the voices. At least i can try to purge the voices with writing - some form of control over them. I try to convince myself that the voices aren't the ones that are making me write these things down.
I'm tired. I'm very tired but i can't move. I can't stand up. I can't pull back the sheets and lie in bed. I can manage a flop. A pathetic flop and curl up somewhere on the edge of the bed. The heater is close by, but i can't muster enough strenght to reach over the turn it on. I'm freezing. I wish i was dead.
My tummy starts to hurt. My head is spinning. I wish the lights would blow out. I think that maybe if i concentrate hard enough they would put themselves out. I'm so weak. I wish i was on the drugs. Then i'd have something to blame.
It isn't me, it's the medication and making me crazy. I could tell myself that. That might bring me some comfort.
"Who am I? Why am i here? What am i searching for here in this strange place day after day? I remembered a moment ago but i've forgotten."
I dont want this. Someone change the channel. Someone put me out of my misery. I can't go on like this. I dont know how many times i've said that. I want to do something about it, but nothing seems to work. I'm fucked. I'm zoinked out. I'm a mess. A bloody pulpy mess.
I'm grateful that i wasn't born with a more unfortunate backgroung. I'm grateful for all that is in my life. I just can't make sense of it. There is no reason for me to feel this depressed. That's what makes things worse. That's what makes me hate it. My situation and the way i feel. They dont mix. I can't make any sense of it. It only means that i'm fucked. I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm abnormal. I don't belong. I'm alone. I'm fucking alone and no one can understand because they dont have my brain. I'm a bad egg. A defective girl. I'm not special, just a byproduct of the idiocy of humanity.
