"Abandoned"
How shall I begin this tale so that you will get some sense of what manner of creature I am? I have only come to learn these things through my experiences. Perhaps then you shall learn about me and my nature as i did, in the context of others. - Annabelle
I tried to reach out to my soulmate today. There was this point, this moment, when i felt like I could tell him everything and know that he would never, ever push me away.
He said that I was a waste of his time and that I was hurting us. He didn't care if i was sick. It was my fault that I was depressed. He pushed me away - again.
These are the little things that make me realise that there is no meaning not to cut myself. Rejection - rejection by him. It would have been in on form or the other. He wants that control. He needs it because he desires it. It doesn't matter what i say or do. He will use it against me. It's all about him. I am evil. That's why i cut. I am bad. That's why i cut. It drives me insane not to cut. If only he was more supportive. I wish he could have taken me in his arms and held me tight and said "Stop hurting yourself, just try, i'll be there to make all this pain go away. I'm always here for you."
Fairytales.
Love was suppose to overcome everything. I'm trying, i'm trying so hard but he doesn't see me.
In the glare of his reality, he has pushed me away. Internalise my emotions and I am perfect to him. I am in pain and i have no one to turn to. He pushed me away. They all push me away. I am a monster.
Frustration. I want release. He says i'm not worth it.
Why do i do this? Why can't i just stop? I'm so tired of cutting. I'm so tired of bleeding. I just want to stop these voices, visions and feelings in my head. I can't cope. I don't want to be like this. I hate him for not understanding. I hate him for laughing at me. I hate him for his ignorance and self righteousness. I hate him for being weak like me.
I still love him. He is still my soulmate. One day he will be ready - I can only have faith.
