"Amidst This Drop of Time Gone Dry"
I feel this loneliness that I can't describe. It's collected in my body and pushes it's way through my limbs, my chest, my skin and my very soul.
Isolation
I can't feel my body. I can't feel alive. I'm still healing from my cuts. I suppose it gives me some sense of change. Trimmed my nails to a sensible short last night. Had Nana-inspired square nails for a while and got tired of looking at and after them. Why is the world so dark and lonely for me? Did I missing something along the assembly line? Am I defective?
Humans are made to fuck, breed and die, just like any other creature. I don't want to fuck, I don't want to breed but I want to die. That sounds so wrong in so many ways.
Eating is no longer a pleasure, it's more like a painful necessity. I can slim down or put on weight like crazy. I have some control over my physique, I suppose, in that respect.
I hate the retro. It's nostalgic but It's over - get over yourself. Get over your childhood. Get over your past. Move on.
I started on book two of my memoirs. A journal, a diary, whatever you want to call it. A cryptic scrawl of thoughts that can never see the light of day.
This blog is a sideline. This is the remix. This is the left over spittle that hands off the side of your lips after regurgitation, knowing that that last drink was a bad idea.
I want to pass out. I want to scream. I have so much potential for greatness but I'm trapped in my own being. People grade me and are impressed at what they see, yet i feel like everything is just a pretense. Everything is just that simple, and they are all just too stupid to see that I am just me.
There is a difference in being and feeling special. I know I am special. I know I have the gifts. I have the guts and gull to market myself. Exploitation is within my vocabulary. I'm too smart, too mature, too fast for the world on so many levels, yet when it comes to the logical crunch of society. I fall so hard, I can't cope. I want to die. I feel like i'm trapped in a world missing dimensions that i know are there. I'm blinded by the ignorance. I get sucked into this cess pool of dumbness, of retardation.
I'm not deep, I'm normal, I'm not that special - I tell myself these things to try and stop the whirlpool from sucking me in. But it does. I'm a goddess and i'm going crazy.
I'm lost in a world of thin darkness and I'm waiting to be saved by some divine light. I can only sustain myself on my own for so long. There is only so much I can do.
