"Mortal"
I wandered around the city today. My mind stift and tired. My coat flapped in the autumn chill. I caught my reflection in the glass windows of the shops. A gothic dream in a shell of grace. My eyes are too large and liquid. Too innocent and too tired for this world. I wish i could pluck them out. My lips too full and sensual for a heart this dead. I wish i could bash them bloody. What a waste. I wish he was here to consume me. At least then i'd know that I had a reason to be who i am.
This is so unfair. People keep asking me why i'd want him. Why i'd endure all this. The distance, the pain, the cruelty. I reply the same way i always do. "Because I love him. Beacuse I know I don't want anyone else." My mantra. My will. A reason for me to survive myself. This beast.
Human life seems so fragile and brief. I know because I've stood on the brink of it, staring into the beyond, a blur of oblivion.
I apply a salve to my wounds so that scars will not show. A vain attempt to preserve a vain body. Why do i go through this? Why do i keep rotating in this circle of pain. Why can't i save myself. i'm sinking deeper into this quicksand and i'm drowning all alone, though everyone is watching. He is watching. He should know that i'm dying inside, that the soul is asleep.
It would have been easier if i had cancer - that i would soon disappear. I'd let it eat at me. My head shaven and shorn like a heretic ready for burning, in preperation for the therapy. He'd love me. He'd stop being mean to me. I don't know for sure. I can only hope.
There is only him. I don't see anyone else who could be like him. Who could fit into that space the way he does.
My head hurts. Maybe this cancer is manifesting. I hope so. I dont think i can go on with this pain. I can only dream on, even if i feel that it's all hopeless.
