"No Escape - A Mirage of Salvation"
"Why are you being so cold to me?"
"I think you know. You're smarter then that, Nick."
"I don't know."
"I don't want to go into it."
"I do."
"I'm having a great night, I'm not going to let you ruin it for me."
"I'm sorry."
"You don't even know what you're sorry for."
"I'm just sorry for being me."
"Dont be sorry. You should be proud of who you are..."
I hung up.
I couldn't take it anymore. I thought, after another day of torment, I'd finally have some peace tonight in his attention. I thought my salvation would be in his voice. A few kind words. A gentle gesture to make the pain worthwhile, bearable for a few more moments. Someone to love me.
Only coldness. Only cruelty. I know that I'm truly alone. Why do i keep lying to myself.
This is not him. I try to comfort myself. I try to remember that he loves me.
Convince yourself. He loves you - somehow.
There's no one to run to. I'm stuck, trapped in a cage of my own being, wishing, hoping that he loved me more. I wish he could feel what i'm feeling inside. It hurts so much.
He's my only home. He's hurting me. It doesn't make sense. I hate myself for being me. I hate this pain. I hate these weaknesses. I hate being depressed. I hate myself.
I'm not worth it. I'm not worth this. That's what he meant. God forbid I'd ruin his night. His good night that he cannot live without and the only thing he could go to redeem his ego was to send me a message a few minutes later, "I'm glad you stood up for yourself. have a good one."
In the end, he disapproves of everything i do, everything that i am.
He doesn't get it. It's not about me standing up for myself. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take hurting him. I couldn't take him showing me that he hated me so much. I'm hurting him, by being here. I'm hurting him by existing. I dont want to be here. I don't want to be me. How much longer can i keep up this pretense, before i melt further away into madness. This is me. I am my monster. I am the daemon I'm fighting. I'm the incorrect defective nothing that eats at him. I hate this.
All i wanted was his embrace, his strength, some warmth to get me through the night. Someone to tell me that everything would be alright. That he still loved me no matter what. That tomorrow would just be another day closer to being with him.
I'm in so much pain. I'm betrayed and alone.
Emotionally raped over and over again.
I dont want to be like this. I want to fall into a great big nothingness that will consume me.
Confiding in him means nothing if all i'm running to is a cold hard wall.
Everything maybe a lie, but still, I believe in him. I have to. Without him as the gravity, there is nothing, because nothing can exist without him. Not in my reality. He doesn't understand.
There's no escape for me. I want to die.
Someone save me. Ben save me.
I still love him. I want to die.
I'm frustrated and trapped.
Stop hurting me. Stop the pain. Stop my pain.
I'll wait for you. I'll try. I'm always trying.
