"Shades of Red"

I had a big revealation today. Blood is the essense of your being. Not just in terms of biology. But in terms of the soul, your moods - my moods.

I accidently slit the bottom of my toe today, while cutting a callous. It was kinda stupid. but as i watched the blood trickle out of me, i felt a sense of repulsion. This is me. This is the real me.

The blood was different to that which i see flow out of my when i cut my wrists. It was thicker, darker, sweeter. Some sort of pain being release.

This blood that flows out of my injury now, it looks bright and liquid, like it is evident that i am still physically, medically alive and well. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate this bright coloured blood that tells me i'm still living though my everything is dead. It's mocking me. Even my biology is against me. Can't i just die?
  ¶ 5/12/2004 10:26:00 PM