"Throbbing Half Pain"

One. Two Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

I'm counting the slashes on my wrist.

Only four of them seem to be bleeding slightly after my shower. The rest of them are old wounds.

I feel better - just a little. I don't know what to do with myself.

I didn't lick up the blood. I didn't want to. It's poison. I'm poison. It's someone else's death. It's someone eles's to drink.

I just want some peace of mind - if only for a while.

I'm sorry, but i do not regret what I have done. I have some relief now and that means that I can concentrate on my work. I thought about it in the shower. I have to be a machine now, just for a while, so that I can complete my university assignments. Compartmentalise. I dont have much time, but it's enough for me to create something good. The cuts should last me for a while. The swelling and the throbbing brings comfort - some. Enough to last me a while, so that i dont have to think about them again.

It started this week as once a day. then it was four today. that should last me a couple of days. i'll have my bandage. I'll have the sting. It's relief. I know i'll be ok for a while longer. I stopped the Zoloft. It makes me tired. I can't be tired anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I'll start again when i have time. I'll try to get better when i have the time. I know that's the right thing to do.

So much for will power - I was so close to making through the day without cutting.
  ¶ 5/10/2004 12:01:00 AM