"Forgiveness"
What if i can never forgive him?
These words play in my mind like a broken record on a shot of speed. I wish someone would pull the plug on my brain, my body, soul. Permanently. For good. For the greater good.
i want to shut down. Forget.
That kiss. Those words. I hate them all. They are part of me now. How would he ever purge them, driven in by his repeated acts of hate against me. I dont want to love. I dont want him.
His silence bring me pleasure now - an illusion of peace. He will hate me when he knows this. Typical. Typical. Predictable. Use it against me. I dare you. I laugh salivating in my madness. Can you love me? Can you ever love me - a creature like me, driven to the barriers beyond insanity and the void of the absence of reason. hate me i dare you. Here is the blade. You remember it dont you? it was the first. Blunt and rusty. I was the first i broke myself with. Under your commond. Under your cause. For your cause for you. My eyes are empty, like the rest of my body. Pumped. Prepped. Fucked. I hate you. I hate your silence. I hate your absense. I hate you for everything you have done to hurt me.
You said you were sorry. You took it back. You vowed never to touch me again. You shall not take my blood, of my flesh and of my blood. You said you didn't want it. You said you didn't want me.
Yet i stay. Curious. Curious isn't it? Suspicious. I put myself through all this pain, for us, for you, for the future. I see it. i taste it. it's all an illusion isn't it? You're blind. Your reality is nothing. It all nothing. You dont know the truth. You wont see it. i hate you.
Yet i stay.
Yet i stay.
what can you say about me now?
slut, whore, bitch, idiot, retard.
I dare you.
I will not leave, but what if i can't forgive you? i've hurt myself. i've hurt you. redeeming me - you've made it impossible. If you touch me tenderly when you see me, whisper enduringly to me. I shall die. All this pain will be a lie. I've been living a lie. There is not truth. No i do not hate you. I love you. It makes no sense. Use this against me. I know you want to. Make youself feel good. I am the whore anyway. Your slut - didn't you say that? I remember.
You think i truly despies you. I never did. I never would. but you dont trust me. You wont. I dont hate you. that's not how i feel. All i see is you and the light.
But ignore me. I am mad.
Everything has made it so.
So it has been.
So mote it be.
