"The Letter I Wrote Once, While You Were Away"
think i'm approaching another bout of depression ( a deeper one - like duh). i miss you. i kinda have this building resentment towards you for some reason. i dont know.. maybe i'm just feeling lost without you. it's a good sign i think.
there is a very fine line between love and hate. i think we approach that barrier everyday. i can't seem to shake all that has been happening for the pass couple of months. it's been half a year. i've been fighting for at least that long. how can that be ever replace? or consoled? if has not made us any stronger.. only weaker. i'm in so much pain. i know you dont want to hear this. you think i deserve this. you think i deserve to be hurt so much. you'd like to watch. you make being slaughtered feel like a miami vacation. i guess you've made me stronger that way.
sorry for bringing all this up. i just feel like i'm about to die again. it just swells up inside me. you've told me to die before. i guess if i ever feel the urge again, i wont know who to really share it with. you'd throw me away in a second. you've done it before. dont tell you wont. cuz i know you can. dont lie. i know you too well, you're part of me. i know me. i know us.
maybe you'll never hear me say all this. maybe i'll deny ever writing this. some cosmic cry for held. maybe god will hear my apin and take it all away. will you cry? or will you smile? will you come find me?
at this moment, i'm in so much pain. im alone and i can't help by burst into tears every other moment. i wish you were here. i wish i could touch you. i know you suspect me. i know you think i keep men around. i hate you for that. but i'm the whore. to not have them around would make that particular condemnation a lie. insecure? you should be. you made me the slut. you called me that. but no i do not keep any men around. why should i when all i want is you.
your only defense is that you wont and cannot believe me.
i'm trapped.
i wish i was dead. but then again, you wished that of me to.
my last rites.
you gave them to me.
you made me the living dead after.
why wont you redeem yourself?
I hear you say i'm not worth it.
you wont correct me either. get down on your hands and knees and tell me you love me.
cuz i hear you say i'm not worth it.
when all is done. why do you still run back to me, into my arms, to claim something that you have deemed worthless? you do realise i no longer feel what i felt. i'm not dead yet. undead and injured. i feel dead. if you touch me, if you kissed me. i will surely die.
i use to dream that we were lovers and your touch would burn me. to make love to me would kill me. taht was before all this.. was ist a sign?
was it a warning? is this separation for my own good?
then why do i hurt so much
i do not want to be the martyr. i did not choose this..my choices are limited though.
i have options and actions... i have to protect you too. i cannot be the burden.
do you still love me?
i no longer know. i can only hope. this hurts so much.
dont hate me.
in the course of this confession, i might have hurt you. dont be. i still love you. dont betray me by using my honestly against me. just dont. let me believe in you. i have faith. i want to. if you do, i will shut myself out. i'm already out in the cold, condemn by your powers.
i can't feel myself.. what if i'm already dead. The knife you stabbed in my breast. I can feel it.
Last rites.
You hand me my shroud.
I am no more. Maybe. I'm still here.
I dont know.
But i'm still here.
Breathe.
Stop.
Breathe.
Things should get better. There is still hope.
