"A Knot in My Belly"
As i tear this blade across my face i know that nothing i can say can change how i have been etched into you. A dirty lense of neurotics and pain over your mind. I never wanted your sympathy. I never wanted you to want me.
I have nothing to say to you. My real will never be your reality. I hate this feeling. A tidal wave of helplessness. I'm still drawn into your shadow. Alone, I kick the dust under my feet. Coupled against you, isolation surrounds.
Interweaved against my mind, thoughts of you still linger like a panoptic mould. Afraid, i eat away at myself. Out of sight, i collect my tears in a jar and walk upon broken glass to feel a nearness to your breath. The light burns my skin and i know i'm about to die again. Exposed, my skin crumbles into earth like grey matter. A desolation, profound and real. You cannot accept me for what I am. Aggression arises in your tone, as you chide my descression to your sense of norm.
Again the box is closing in. Fit or die. I cannot feel my legs. Shackled to your insecurities I long for the moments we had before you ever touched me. A broken bond. I tried to pull through composed and repentant.
I forced you upon me to rape myself. Used to being used - it was all I knew at that moment.
Did you expect me to turn to liquidity in your hands after you have left me out in the cold when it suited you not to desire me. Your choice, your rules. How typical of your humanity to humiliate me. Like a mule beaten into service, i lie beside you as would a dog. Silently i plot an escape. I close my eyes dreaming of a world where you loved me. I do not feel you as you take me. I pretend to respond. The shell i made. The wetness of my kisses. A dream constructed from a palimpsest of dreams.
I do not want to be your burden. The prositute. The child in the backseat. I only wished you had escaped to me. I now know I'd never be your paradise. Do not lie and tell me otherwise. This death, i risked it. I do not deny it.
