"Benedict C. L. - Fallen from Sabby's GothicPunkLolita Alice's Wonderland"
I recently discovered that the man who once loved me (and tried to kill me) is now cheating on two girls, pretending to be two different guys. I'm not sure how true the gossip is, but i feel terrible for him and the other girls involved. I'm not sure what else to feel but disappointment perhaps? i never thought someone who i was once so compelled to be with, my once upon a time soulmate, could turn out like this.
What's more disturbing are his justifications. He doesn't know any better. I want to tell myself that it's ok. But is it really? He's trying so hard to be someone he's not. He has nothing and wants everything. These girls... They never knew the him that was so wonderful to me... I had to let him go because everything just hurt too much. Where was the hero i once dreamt of? Has he finally become the villian of my nightmares? He could have been so much more. I feel like i should be mourning for him. My childhood love. Once my friend. Once my lover. Torn by fate. I thought we could overcome it all. It hurt. It really hurt. There's nothing more to do because nothing has changed.
I'm happier now. I know that life goes on and that i have to try to make the most of everyday. I'd never let myself be as jaded as he has become. my heart cries out for him to stop hurting these people. All his insecurities were always unfound. Did they eat him up so deeply that he's now lost? Please dont let things end this way. Please dont be this shell of a man. Please dont be a shell of the power i saw in you. It would crush me so badly. I wish you well. I've always had. Everything just hurt too much. Don't be like this. I knew you too well to believe that this is the real you. In my dreams, sometimes, I see glimpses of you. Before, i had to drown them out. Now they pop out of no where once in a while. You need to look inside yourself and find that glow again. Do not choke him out. Love him. Need him. Want him. The real you. Find him.
I've always wanted you to feel empowered. I wanted that shy, coy, uncertain boy to know who he really was. I wanted you to feel the power you have. This is not the way. This is abuse. I know that there are others as well. i just feel it. i can feel you trying and lying and knowing. Dont hurt these people. Work it out somehow. Please. You're not this bastard. I've always thoughts that you were better then this. This is weak. This is not you.
Yes, i have admitted over and over again. I have been a liar. In many ways, i had to lie to you, my friends and my family. I even lied to myself. It was all to try to keep you. It was all in the effort to make us work. I've paid my dues and even after doing so, you asked for so much more. In the end i could not afford to pay it anymore. In your eyes, with your love around me, i felt nothing. You dug so deep to make me love you, to make me miserable, to make me cry, to abuse me that in the end, i had nothing to give you. I became empty. I became nothing. No one deserves to live like that. Your love should not do that to someone.
i could never tell on him, like this, knowing and feeling how involved these people are. They are not my threads to cut. I claim no office in the position of fate. Verdandi, Verdandi, Verdandi... i can hear it call me towards facing the world, but i can't in this respect. betrayal does not become me, regardless of what he thinks about me. I love whom i love whom i love. I have to get this out of me, the disillusion is killing me. i dont think i know enough to judge this situation, but what i see hurts me. It disappoints me, cuz i feel for him. He was once a big part of me. He's not anymore.
A friend who was browsing through friendster, found these pages and emailed them to me, thinking that i would find them interesting. He egged me on to inform these girls, however, i declined. ( I have quite enough messages coming through friendster, from my friends, as it is to bother with this issue.) It's not my issue anyways...
Friendster Profiles:
Ben aka Mike:
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2179731Mike aka Ben:
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=6813228Girlfriends:
Mavis:
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=551176Rae:
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=4650174
