Under the Noctilcalitic Moon
"Throwing Caution into the Wind"
I dont care who i am anymore. This moment is my now. If you can't handle that then leave.
"Pot on Love"
You know you’re truly in love when you have an overwhelming acceptance for someone. Your grace is magnanimous. You experience a great desire to give your partner everything. These experiences do not breed ill-will or self-victimization. You will not experience martyrdom. Your forgiveness is irrational and simple.
Love is about falling in and out of love in a continuum. We fall in love with someone continuously because we are constantly discovering something new about that person. To constantly fall in love with someone, we also (unfortunately) constantly find ourselves in processes of temporarily falling out of love with them. It is through is dynamic process of falling in and out of love with someone do we find the real rhythm of our emotional capacity. When we lose our capacity to fall back in love with that person, that’s when we know it’s time to move on. We no longer feel the need to rediscover that person any more.
"Pathology"
I'm not who i am. I lack empathy. I dont have the vocabulary to feel. I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes i just lie on the floor and wish i was dead.
Could you love me?
Can you blame me?
Sometimes i feel like i'm nothing.
Sometimes i'm full of hate.
A sideway bee line towards the end of nothingness. Does that scare you?
I'm normal. You can't say I'm not.
"Those Chemical"
Everytime I look at my blister pack full of antidepressants i remind myself that i do not want o go there again. That sick oozing feeling. That unhappy, sedated daze. No. I'm not like that anymore. I have to stop punishing myself for everything that goes wrong. I know I'm stronger now. They are all just scars of my past because I made myself into a chamber of bad memories. There is a life beyond that.
"An Escape for Me - A Date in the Philosophical Playground"
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, partly provoked by my recent adventures in to the true meaning of escapism, but I’ve decided that there is a way out of confinements. The confinements I’m addressing here involves the cage that we have allowed our very reality to trap us in.
Reality places us in a box. Society imposes expectations on us and we are so caught up in complying with them that we have a tendency to forget who we are. If you were to conduct yourself in a nihilistic approach to life, then kudos for you, but for me, life holds a deeper meaning then passing on my genetic coding to future generations or believing that what I do doesn’t ultimately matters. I agree that believe this gets me through some aspects of my life, such as overcoming my bashfulness and my fear of public judgment, but personally, Life is about being real to myself and I don’t mean that I have a true, original self that is buried somewhere deep inside me, but self that is in constant dynamic interaction with my world. That is to say, who I am at a rave, intoxicated off my head, is not exactly who I am when I’m at university, presuming academia. Neither of each is more nor less of whom I am. In general terms, they are both me and they illustrate how the same me, in the same body can be both incredibly different, yet exist in the same entity. However, the act differently when placed in different situations. Each situation has a social expectation and even though my body fundamentally stays the same, what’s happening on the inside is different. Social expectations cause this difference.
My boyfriend who expect me to treat him differently and feel for him differently then to how I’d feel for any of my other guy friends and I do. It would not be appropriate of me to do otherwise, because society deems it this way. However, I do feel that I shouldn’t be treating my boyfriend the same way as I would my other guy friends because I’d obviously have some unique feelings towards my boyfriend what I would not have towards my guy friends.
And it is in the juxtaposition of the fact that I have unique feelings, towards given situations, that makes me who I am. These unique feelings are completely independent of how society dictates my actions. In essence, I am myself when I’m having these unique feelings, because no one else can have them. They are mine and mine alone. Sure, someone else could probably love my boyfriend, but she would not love him in exactly the same way that I would. My unique feelings define my being. The fact that I’m aware of this makes it also very questionable as to what are the other feelings that I have that might not be unique.
This where society comes in, telling me that I should have some feelings that are not unique. I should not burn my hair. I should not lie. I should not want to end my life. But what if I did have these desires to do so? Where do these desires go when society shakes its fingers at me and says “No, no, no.”? These desires go inside me and they eat away at me, making me less myself, trapping me in these feelings of confinement. Society makes me feel ashamed of my body. It makes me want to wear clothes in public. It tells me that my desires are wrong, and that I’m violating others with my desires and needs. It tells me that I should not act the way I feel because whatever I’m feeling violates the normal idea of what it is to be human. Society wants me to think that if I don’t follow its rules, I’m abnormal, and that often translates into badness. I’m bad because I don’t follow rules, and you know what? I believe society. I think society is completely correct and justified. It would be bad if I hurt myself. I believe this because science says so. Science says that I was put on this earth to further the survival of my species and hurting me does not serve that purpose. I would be bad if I’d stop going to work, buying the right products and contribute to the economy, because that would mean that I would fit into a capitalist model of which society is built on. Yup, if I don’t do all these things, I’d be effectively a heretic, an outcast, deemed socially useless. I won’t want to be that.
So, as a result of not wanting to be socially useless, I work nine to five, buy my mineral water, wear my converse shoes and date the desirable, in the hope that one day, someone with my genetic coding will do what I’m doing all over again. I’ve essentially become a program, a machine with a program to build other machines that are like me. Society would like me to do this and so I shall because it has become my master.
But what about all my unique feelings that make me who I am? Are they just there to comfort me and make me feel special? Are they just in placed to keep my placid and docile? Would recognizing that I just might be that different from someone else enough? The thing is, I think so. However, I have to let myself be expressed. These unique feelings are all that that is left of me. They are the feelings that make me want to break away from society’s hold. And this feeling, this need to break away is all I have of myself. That will be my escape. To know that society has a hold on me, this makes me awake and even more awake then those who do not know how choked we are by social control. We need to ask ourselves why society wants us to feel the way we feel and do the things we do. We need to question our world, and know that a lot of what we believe and act out are not our own and completely natural. By doing this, we can differentiate our unique feelings and desires to the ones that society wants us to have. What will I do with my new found awareness? I don’t exactly know, but I won’t allow society to tell me what to do. I’ll do it because it makes sense to my being, because how I perceive it would be unique. That would be my raspberry to society. That is the true meaning of being a deviant - A social deviant. That is my rebellion. Can you do the same?
"If It Was Just Me"
Left alone. The world outside makes me feel all empty and hallow. Changing my life. Destroying myself to suit and match the imagery inside. I never had a fixed self. I never believed in fixed truth. Whatever you clung onto was only a whisper of who i really am.
In my violence. In my sanity. In your dreams i was a Goddess. In Paradise. Another Pill. Nothing can make things better now.
In darkness deep. A crimson tear. From my arms you bleed like my own reflection. This is not some gothic fantasy. This is me and it was once your own. Dont judge the judge. Dont lie and say you aren't still mine. Do you not grasp my meaning? Do you not see my light?
"Our History"
I'm not really here. I was just a voice in your head, giving you reason to hate me. It was not my intention to let you fall but you gave in to me. A suggestive naked body. I only wanted you to keep me. My being grows stone cold without your flames. I walked over burning coals to love you. Was it not the same for you?
Taken for granted. You never looked back as me, as you strung me to the back of your wild and cruel torture. How could I not have escaped from you? How was i to survive this pain? I clung on to you in vain, pleading for your mercy, begging you to stop the twist of your blade.
I saw you as my god, my angel, my light at the end of the dark winter's night. You left me empty, hallow and hungry. My dignity stripped. A soul you placed inside me to shame me. She was not my soul. She was not what made me who I was. But you loved her, and torture her, more then you loved me. Was it easier for you that way? Because you didn't have to see my glory? Was your passion for my pain greater then all my love for you? Why didn't you stop to kiss my face again? Didn't you hear me? Didn't you see me? Were you so obsessed with giving me a soul?
I do not want you control me. I never did and i never will.
"Keep Pushing Me"
I can't breathe anymore. This madness is driving me over the edge. I dont need this anymore. I need to push you away. I can't stand my violence. I can't stand my screaming. Let me be and hopefully i'd be okay. I'd keep pushing me away. Swallowing my fears. Choke down my tears. I just want to be happy again, like i was a moment ago. That moment with you.
"In My Shell"
I touch the emptiness only to have it fall away. If only i could find the words, i'd tell you what it's like to be in darkness. As you drive yourself down my throat, it sickness me to my soul and yet it is the only momentary comfort i have from your subjectivity.
I'm sorry that you had to be my victim. A happy meal for my insecurities. I hate myself for hurting you. Would you please turn away from me?
