Under the Noctilcalitic Moon
"September Rain"
It came while i was asleep and shot through me like i wasnt even there. I feel so vulnerable now. They pulled out that chip in my brain. You knew it was there all along. it sounds crazy but in some innocence, there's truth in that... I think. not that you would understand. I'm too far gone to explain it to you. But it was there. A chip. and you knew it was there all along.
"Melatonin"
Melatonin. It's suppose to make me sleep. What is this onset of this insomnia? A mania. I'm in mania. My mania. I'm caught up in here. Alone. Stone Cold. This is not a joke. I can't sleep and it's driving me insane. I'm broken on the inside. There is no fire here. Only me. Lost in a darkness.
Shiver. I'm dying. I've said that so often it's lost it's meaning. Dont take it too personally. It has nothing to do with you. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can make me happy. I've figured it out. I'm too far gone. Like a cancer eating me up. Do you hold me up so high that you can't see the cracks?
Onset. Offset. Onset. Offset.
I'm getting there. Sleepful surrender. I want to pass out in exhaustion. I want to sleep. It's just a bit closer to death. A will to stay sane? A will to stay away. Mania. Mania. I can't hold it back. Not tonight. I am weak tonight. Mania Mania. Hypermania. Manic. Depressant. Depress. Oppressed. Compressed. Obsessed. A pain inside. A broken glass inside. I can't take this anymore. I want out of this madness. A voice of reason. A function. A god. A goddess. You've held me up so high. I feel like i'm going to break even more.
The label said in 30 mins. Pop. Pop. Pop. ... one more pop. I can't do this anymore. Helpless. Taken over by something stronger then me. It's over. It's over. Mania. Mania. Mania.
Fucking hell... I must sound so insane. I can't hear anything now. Just the drone of the heater.
And then it hits me like a killer tsunami. I'm afraid of dying eventhough I want to find my peace in death. Nothing makes sense anymore. Hyper. Hypo. Hippo. Hello. No. Goodbye. Good Night. Good Day. Bad Day. Day Light. Night Light. Nonsense. Some sense. Brillance. Absence. Essence. Craze Sense. Offence. Defence. I dont know anymore. Just get me out of here. You've held me up so high.
If only i could fall away into a million peices. To be loved bit by bit. Do you even know me? Am i even here? It hurts inside. i want to fight it. It hurts deep inside. Mania. I'm hurting inside.
Asleep inside.
i'm afraid to be alone with myself.
"Another Today"
I'm killing myself from the inside. If you hate me just say it. It's not like i can't take it. You could know me for a thousand years and never learn to read me straight. I'm not right. I'm a little bent and broken. It's not just a bad day. I swear. It's me...
Wrapped up in your arms. I can't feel a thing. I'm numb from the core. Ice. I need to breathe...
Nothing is making sense. An empty wasteland. You dont even hear me.
Am i just your play thing? Am i just your toy? Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. I'm already gone.
I'm angry on the inside. I amaze myself for being so collected on the outside. I'm not some damsel in distress. I'm not your baby doll. I'm chaos. A monster. An abomination. Tragic and Beautiful. I will not be your prey. I will not be circled like a fawn. These doe-eyes are a trap. I'll rip you to peices if given a chance. I can't help myself. I'm nothing but bloodlust.
Destroy me or destroy yourself. Before it's too late.
"Nothing At All"
It doesn't cost much to sell youself and put a price on your ass. I dont even know enough about myself to even begin considering how much i'm actually worth.
i'm always looking for reassurance. some sorta recognition that i'm good enough to exist in this world. Nothing i do seems good enough though.
I figure that there's something wrong with my brain. changing my outlook on life doesn't do much for me. i always feel like i'm living a shallow lie, because i dont believe in all this fluffy white goodness that the world has to offer. I'm in so much pain all the time i've forgotten what life is like without it. i'm not afraid of losing it though. i keep telling myself that it'll all go away some day. maybe that's just another lie to keep myself going.
if i'm sure of anything, i think everyone around me should just back off. as long as i'm not stabbing my wrists with plastic forks and the likes, i'm fine. Please dont bother telling me how great life is, because i know, i just can't share the same magnitutes of your sentiments. I'm not that easily satisfied.
i'm just a bundles of nerves.
"Apologies"
This is all crap crap crappy crap crap. Where are my muses when i need them?
Where are My Happy boys?
Hmmm..
