Under the Noctilcalitic Moon
"Infatuation"
It's all in my head. There is no proof.
"Alone Again"
A soul without a home. I cannot find my way back, or to anywhere near you. Why you and why now? I glance at you and i know that i have fallen. Not a word had been spoken, but i hear your suspicions as loud as my own, our flesh and sight searching for signs that we both understood these feelings. An unspoken bond, a forbidden need.
A stoned touch, a moment of incestious-like need. Did i hide it good enough, was i bad enough too make you push away? I breathed in your body, like it was my own. Does that say too much? With my eyes shut, i think that i am no where else but in your arms. I'd be happy there. I'm falling away embarrassed at what i have become. The Magdeline - I cannot move on.
Reaching out.
I do not want to be alone, though it is by default that all should fall away from me.
"Wake Up, Hold Still"
Trying to stay in control, emotions run rapid and wild in my constraints. The High hits me gently, and my mind slips into her box unwilling to explore all that i have tried to hold hostage for so very long. The spin-spin seduce my eyes. Even though it's no long there, i can still see it. I tell myself that it's better this way. I wont have to pretend. Close your eyes and hold perfectly still. Master Users. I have only so much to tell. I have only so much that i can say. Freak. Murderer. Goddess.
Pop. Snap. Pop. Snap. Pop.
He places his hand on my thigh. I remember his scent.
Some paper would help.
A shoulder earlier on. Her scent.
Push.
Stay perfectly still.
Arms.
Insecurity.
I need a hug.
Hold me.
I feel needy. The lights and sounds make me happy. I'm glad to be here. I dont want to be alone anymore. I'm frustrated that he's taking me away from happy land. We cuddle somewhere at the bar. I'm feeling nasty on the inside. Warm and fuzzy on the outside. We should go home. Soon.
Spray. Stop. Go.
Go. Go. Go.
I feel like i should stop. My hands tell me to give way. Lean on someone. Stay quiet and still. Kiss me?
Hold my hand.
I dont want to go.
Drift. A trip.
Are we still there? Are we really home? Why are they looking at us? Why are they touching me?
No. My receptors are fucked. Loose data is floating around in my head. I'm found. Come here. Hold me.
Blind. Colours. Tripping.
I need comfort. This is alien to me. I cannot breathe. Hit me again. Hit me again. No stop.
Now it's going away.
His tongue in my mouth. Sensual and smooth. Can it be that i've found my equal at last?
I'm alone. Hold me. Hold me. They are all laughing at us! at me? Help....
Bad tripping, Good trip. I wanted to fall into bed with you guys...Cuddles are nice. I like cuddles.
Fix it. Fix it. I'm trying to forget the pain.
Did you not want me, the way i wanted you?
"Dreams of You"
I'm dying.
"Slipping up"
As I throw up my words, i cannot help but inspect them in discontent. A hurdle of ignorance stands before me, retraining my thoughts - thoughts of you and why it has to be this way. Another cut and i will be free. Why do i always stop short of dying. My illness too complex for you to deal with or understand, too weak to look beyond you own insecurities to be the hand that holds on to me before i fall over the edge. You shut me out in your frustration as you would if i have STDs. I do not blame you. I know you could never love me.
"Infestation"
In the dark exhausted and isolated, in a corner you have trapped me in your perception. Unable to fight you, i succumb to a bleaker desolation. My lips are sewn together with heartstrings bleeding. The theater in my mind, the place where you'd love me the way you could've, where every moment would never been spend on hating. We'd love each other in silent resolution. I shut out the world as i pleasure you remembering better days. I am your whore today.
Swallowing up my world inside myself, choked with sand and shards of glass, thoughts of realities invade my privacy and i am again lost without anyone to run to.
Your weariness pains me. My clockwork unable to compromise to your undertoll. Just use me and be done with it. Leave me to remember a better time and place, as i disappear under the sheets, shunting from your eyes, your face that seems to judge me indefinitely as a monsterous child with not control.
There is no longer an open channel. A medium for me to voice my frustrations. Instead, I destroy myself bit by bit. Drunk on your drugs and juices, not wanting to face your perception, i scream in silence, in pain and destruction.
In protest and contempt, i sit by you as you abuse my character, my morales, a pleasure tool for your unsoothed ego. I have no where to run in this darkness i find myself in.
A stranger towards me, i cannot bring myself to feel anything for this shell. A moment in your arms and i have fallen to peices, not wanting to be touched by an alien power that i swore i did not want. It was never my choice to be here.
I never wanted to change you. I never wanted to be in the way. I never wanted your sarcifice. I could survive this on my own, until you realise the truth of your desires.
Did you miss me when i disappeared? Why did you end up hating me when i did. The inevitable came and you could not deal with it. Uncared for by you, i morphed into what i needed to survive. I was never the one with "the life" that kept me on my toes. I know i have no place nor right to be, to ask, to want you.
When your life ends and the sun sets, do not blame me if i am dead, waiting for you in sober rejection, in the bed you promised our future in. Cold and untouched.
"A Knot in My Belly"
As i tear this blade across my face i know that nothing i can say can change how i have been etched into you. A dirty lense of neurotics and pain over your mind. I never wanted your sympathy. I never wanted you to want me.
I have nothing to say to you. My real will never be your reality. I hate this feeling. A tidal wave of helplessness. I'm still drawn into your shadow. Alone, I kick the dust under my feet. Coupled against you, isolation surrounds.
Interweaved against my mind, thoughts of you still linger like a panoptic mould. Afraid, i eat away at myself. Out of sight, i collect my tears in a jar and walk upon broken glass to feel a nearness to your breath. The light burns my skin and i know i'm about to die again. Exposed, my skin crumbles into earth like grey matter. A desolation, profound and real. You cannot accept me for what I am. Aggression arises in your tone, as you chide my descression to your sense of norm.
Again the box is closing in. Fit or die. I cannot feel my legs. Shackled to your insecurities I long for the moments we had before you ever touched me. A broken bond. I tried to pull through composed and repentant.
I forced you upon me to rape myself. Used to being used - it was all I knew at that moment.
Did you expect me to turn to liquidity in your hands after you have left me out in the cold when it suited you not to desire me. Your choice, your rules. How typical of your humanity to humiliate me. Like a mule beaten into service, i lie beside you as would a dog. Silently i plot an escape. I close my eyes dreaming of a world where you loved me. I do not feel you as you take me. I pretend to respond. The shell i made. The wetness of my kisses. A dream constructed from a palimpsest of dreams.
I do not want to be your burden. The prositute. The child in the backseat. I only wished you had escaped to me. I now know I'd never be your paradise. Do not lie and tell me otherwise. This death, i risked it. I do not deny it.
"Rejection"
You turn away to your desires. There's nothing left for me to say. I can't hold you and no longer want to. I hate your wants, your needs, your urges. I've given. You have chosen... You have chosen... I hate you. I feel unwanted in your arms.
"Inadequate"
How can I blame you when I've fallen so far from your graces? I reach out into the emptiness, only to find ash and stardust. A flicker of your golden light and I know that I'm headed a zillion miles down into my own despair. Could you not have held me a little longer and whisper more lies into my ears. Could you not have choked me to death, as you held me down and entered my desecrated temple. I said goodbye to the world, while still bleeding in your arms and you cast me aside like i was nothing. I'm still nothing to you.
I dont know how i should feel. Your hate inside my belly eats me inside out. I hate you. At the end of the night, when the harshest sun burns my skin, i shall die with my hand in yours. I know i will reach you someday, some way. I die tonight. I've died every night after i've fallen out of my heaven, your embrace.
