I dont think i could ever make it through life without:
- Sanji Watermelon Frost
- Nyal Decongestant Nasal Spray
- Tiger Balm White Ointment
An so it starts all over again. This unhappiness from you. Drama. Romance. Betrayal. So you. I try my best to love you. i want to support you. I want to trust you. You disappoint me so. How can i jump head on into your arms if there are all these secrets between us taking it's toll? I'm sure youhave others who can help you. stop looking at me like i'm sort of cheap ride. I'll help you because i love you. not because i can.
i promise myself that this is the last time. i can't take it anymore. I dont know how long i'll stand my ground. I'm so defenseless when i'm with you.
Am i just me because i think that's were i am righ tnow? i'm not even sure if i am here? i feel like i'm falling into something bigger. A flirt with the truth. the drama plays out infront of me like a song. Have i waiting a bit too long for the nightmares to end? I am finally believing that this dream is real and that all my fears shall be realised in that brief instant when all things become clear. I shall be afraid of this new found gift. Afraid of knowning if all that time was wasted on something fickle and unclean. I feel dirty inside now. A closed door because i can never go back. I could never put things back the way they were. I remember crying as you flung yourself to the ground. It's not the same anymore. But there is still love and hope.
Another Treasure. This is probably the last thing dress i'm getting this year and ironically it will also be the first dress i'm wearing for the festive season! The main squeeze suggested that it looks like a gothic wedding dress.. excuse me? i'm not ready to get hitched yet! Fits great, looks great! I'm so happy!
I'm not a preacher. I don't encourage others to follow my ways. I don't know if I did the right thing today. It just felt natural to be that way. That doll is much more his then it is mine. I just showed him my way. He followed in his vulnerability. I just wanted things to feel better. I wanted him to smile. I was born a witch, I'll probably die a witch. What kind of of a world will I leave behind?
I hate break ups. I hate reading about them. I hate hearing about them. I hate being part of them. So... Master J calls me and tells me that he's going to break up with her. He sounds emotional and i tell him to calm down. We should talk about it. After some convincing he agrees to me. I go back to my baking rampage. I miss a call. He leaves a message. He's on his way over to her place to break up with her. I can't stop him now. A phone call now will just make things worse. I wish he had talked it over with me. It's not that i dont trust him. I can't stop him from choosing who he wants or doesn't want to be with but i should have been able to make sure for that he did this whole break up thing without being driven by impulse. I dont know exactly what's going on but... i hope he doesn't hurt her. His frankness hurts alot. I've been at the brunt of many of his words. I hope things turn out for the best.
I woke up this morning in a madness inside my head. It's unfortunate that it's full of doubts and confused visions of the life i once had. Was it just yesterday that i was smiling at you, laughing with you, holding you like you were the one? Where did all those molecules of emotions go. The feeling of love's embrace. I'm alone because those chemicals inside me wore off. You can think about it all you want and justify why i'm sitting in this corner. I promise it'd be over soon. Your patience is undeniably strong.
I don't know what the world is turning to. I don't understand why everything is hurting. I feel like it's slowly resonating with my worst fears. I feel like nothing I do can change this chaos. I know that life goes on and I know that life is what we make of it. But I stand against so much tension and the obstacles seem so formidable that i can't even begin to understand the problem. i wake up from my sleep, my final sanctuary, and i have face the world with so full of violence with the violence and pain inside myself, the brooding darkness. I can't focus on this.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians together?
100 people who don't do dick.
On Channel 7's Today Tonight it was featured that 2GB radio's Alan Jones was responsible for broadcasting a message calling all 'true australians' to support a racial 'Bashing Day", leading up to the chaotic events we witnessed last weekend in Sydney. How could someone say something like that through the media? How could the government not close down on such activities? The private sector should still uphold ethical practices and not provoke violent activity. It is just shocking that something like this was allowed to take place in the first place. I dont think that he is singularly responsible for the weekend violence, however, i do believe that he should not have been allowed to do anything that would encourage such illegal racist and small minded activities. Violence never solves anything. Someone as knowledgable as him should realise this.
We have all heard the stories about evil con mens from various lines of contract work. They take the money of their unsuspecting victims and simply disappear without a trace. Occassionally, they are tracked down. Faces are then put to the crime, that are then sometimes investigated. Why aren't there any riots against these people? Aren't people, in general, tired of being conned? Why aren't there mobs chasing these criminals down? Why aren't there rallies held to kick them out of our community for good? Racism is unfortunately very much alive.
But could it just be another form of extreme Australian Nationalism? Here is a blog that might suggest such an alternative. I think it's a combination of both. Both views are just as misguided and narrowminded if you ask me.
Yup Yup! This is THE dress i'm going to wear during the festive season. I swear if Murphy gets his claws into this PVC number i'll skin his pussy ass! (Aren't we the affectionate loving pet-gaurdian couple??) It's awesome and fits really well. However, it seems kinda risky to wear something like this in the summer. I don't know... shall Sabby choose design over comfort? Will the evenings of celebrations be forgiving enough to allow for PVC dress wearing weather conditions? Will the dress match my fishnet stockings and knee high boots? Will Sabby have a purse to match?! Or will she have to make do by stuffing her id and cash into her undies? All these questions shall be answered in time.... or maybe i'll just chicken out of wearing this dress out and op for the convention of jeans and a tee... wait a sec.. i dont think i own any actual tees (does a mini tee count?)... does this mean i'll have to go out topless? We'll see about that.. don't get out your cameras just yet boys and girls...
Halo - Oleander
And it's always little things
That to the surface brings
The comfort in the pain
The fear behind the smile
We lose along the way
The things we leave behind
Along the precipice
Of things we should not climb
And I'm the first in line
There's an anchor around my heart
Dragging me down
Beneath the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round'
Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
A dagger in my hand
Bleeding me dry
And it's always little things
That to the surface brings
The space you need to breathe
Before the curtain call
The light that leads the way
Before you hit the wall
The mountain that you climb
Just to take a fall
For blind among the blind
There's an anchor around my heart
Dragging me down
Beneath the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round'
Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
There's a dagger in my hand
Bleeding me dry
And all we have to lose is time
And what lose we leave behind
Stay around and we will shine
On 11 December 2005, as I turned on my tv to watch the Sunday news I was shocked to see the violent outbreak captured on screen. It looked like a scene from some third world riot. I had no idea that the people I shared this city with could do something like that.
As they chanted their racial slurs "Out Lebs Out!", I was afraid of what this city might turn into. There were mainly young Anglo men captured on the news. Drunk and filled with their ignorance. Would they have marched out against any other cause under normal circumstances? It was only a few days ago that there were reports of how a young (anglo) male was arrested for the alleged horrific murder of his ex-girlfriend.
Why wasn't there a march to rid Australia of young (anglo) males? I am personally disgusted at the people I saw on the news. Some proudly reveled in their racism while others hid behind their faces from view.Are they proud of what they have done? Will they not put their names to their cause on paper? The faceless mob, i saw, is nothing but a barbaric and cowardly display of how far we have yet to go as the human race.
I'm sure people from all walks of life are capable of crime and violence. I dont think it would be rational to just condemn the entire human race and make us all drown ourselves in the ocean. That would be considered pollution in some circles.
What is even more unbelievable is the fact that no one stood up for those who were targeted. A lebanese woman who worked as cornulla has since resigned because of the events that played out. She stated that as the mob passed by the restaurantant she was working at, the patrons join in the mob. Not a single one of them protected her.I do not believe that i know all the answers in this matter. After witnessing what has happened, i am only filled with questions.
On a lighter note, i wonder how these racists would react if the Australian government deems them unfit to be australian due to their unaustralian behaviour. How would they feel when they are sent to detention camps to have their citizenship reviewed and reassessed? What other country would have them? Where do people of hate go?
It's easy to point fingers and pass the buck. It's always someone elses' fault. He started it. No he did. It's because they did this. It's because he did that. This is why i did this. Everyone else was doing it. The individuals who have taken part in the provocations and retaliations should not have. The Gangs were wrong. The Mob was wrong. Anything violent and abusive is wrong. Hurting is wrong. There are other ways to get the word out. There are other ways to change the world. Violence is never the answer. We should not be killing machines. We should never turn ourselves into a mindless mass.
Text messages have been suggested for helping fuel the violence on either sides. Why aren't the telcos counter-coaxing all this hatred by sending messages of peace and have them circulated.
This is not a political statment. What i'm saying might seem petty, unresearched and naive. I agree on some level that i dont know enough about the situation. I feel it. I know that badness, violence and hurt will always be part of life. I feel angry and concerned. I feel helpless in the face of this jagganaut. I feel scared. I can't make sense of it. What i am shocked about is the violence, the mob and the senselessness of it all. There's enough large scale violence happening around the world. How many more people are going to die because this large scale hate disappears? Shouldn't we as humanity be working towards making the world a better place? Didn't world war 1 and 2 teach us anything? Did everyone forget the gulf war? Wasn't 911 and the war on terror enough? Didn't the Tsunami of 2004 and the earthquakes and hurricanes of 2005 make us realise that even the elements could tear humanity apart just like that? Do we really have to add to this distruction? I've always seen Australia as a safe haven. It doesn't seem so anymore. The fact that i am afraid of the future of this city is that is a testiment to the very nature of the horror it has been subjected to. I want to believe that things happen for a reason. I don't know why this happened, but i know that Sydney and Australia might never been the same again.
Ye harm none, do as thou will
and oh yea.. FUCK YOU!
Other blogs on the Cronulla Violence
The accompanying sequal to
"Benedict C. L. - Fallen from Sabby's
GothicPunkLolita Alice's Wonderland"
An Introduction
Today i had a rather short conversation with ben over msn. We haven't spoken to each other for ages. Soon after this conversation, he blocked me from his list. He acussed me for defaming him. He said that i was the one who set up an alternate account on friendster and that i was impersonating him. He went as far as to say that i had written Mike's testimonial to Rae
This is Mike's Profile Summery on Friendster:
And, this was the testimonial left on Rae's page:
Mike
Monday, 21 November 2005
Rae intrigued me. I have not seen a lady with half as much knowledge as she has about my occupation. She was more exhilarated than i am about flying, aerobatics, fighter pilots and RSAF acquired aircrafts. She can undeniably hold a good conversation and outwit any of her gender. Our intellective conversation lasted hours. I'd like to revel in her company and the little of her fun-loving nature and wicked sense of humour, alongside our momentous date. Her confidence level is an added attraction to her beauty. It is doubtlessly my prestige and honour our paths crossed, to be acquainted with such a perfect rare gem. I could barely take my eyes off this gorgeous. The longing to bring her to the skies on her special day.I love you, sweet. Stay put, till my return.
Sabriel Thinkeths
First of all, i'd be the first to admit that i know nothing about planes. Holding a conversation with a girl who knows alot about my occupation would sure be tough if i was to impersonate a pilot. As much as i doubt my femininity, i doubt that i could pass off as a man, Ben or otherwise, to be able to meet up with a girl, who's obviously in another country, and craft 'intellective conversations" with her for hours, possibly on our "momentous date". I might be a goddess, but i sure do have my limits! Teleportation and shapeshifting (into ben) aren't amongst my talents.
Mike started his account in March 2004. Ben and I broke up in July 2004. It would hardly seem necessary for me to create an account, on friendster (of all places), to get even with a man i was still very much in love with, at that time.
MSN A-Go-Go
This is the logged conversation i managed to get over msn with ben:
Ben says:
fuck you
Ben says:
i still think u're responsible for creating mike
Ben says:
then attempting to break me and my gf up
Ben says:
fuck yu
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
how did i do that?
Ben says:
i really dun care about it btw
Ben says:
and so doesn't my gf
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i hve no idea what you're talking about
Ben says:
just tot it was a little amusing
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
and (S) told me about mike
Ben says:
watever
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
get your facts right
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i have no interest in your life
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
dont kid yourself
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
you're just looking for someone to blame
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
you're such a sad angry person
Ben says:
the style and use of language on rae's testi was so yours
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
maybe you should talk to (S) about it
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
cuz he's her friend
Ben says:
it was rae's testi that gave it away
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
other then that i have no idea what you are talking about
Ben says:
b4 that i tot it was someone else doing it
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
apparently she's met this guy
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i haven't spoken to her, or your gf
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
so dont accuse me of anything
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
they are both in sg
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
and i'm here.. how the hell am i suppose to dress up like you and date that girl?
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
it's a pretty unbelievable feat if you ask me
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i hope you work it out with your gf. other then that, i'm sorry if someone has been impersonating you and taking out this other girl
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i kindly await more of your wild accusations and your justifications for them.
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
if it upsets you so much you should have mike removed. friendster offers you this service
Sabby Pondereths
It all sounds pretty unbelievable to me... poor benedicky... he thinks way too *highly* of me to think i'd be able to manage such a charade. I don't have that much time on my hands.
An Analysis
Anyone who compares Mike's testimonial with my other writings will realise that i could never be the author of such an ill-composed prose. Ben adds insult to injury by suggesting that Mike's writing is like mine. I did an analysis of Mike's Testimonial to Rae and this is what i came up with, while trying to keep true to the original, apologies if i got any of the 'facts' wrong in the process of the analysis.
Note that the original 'Mike to Rae' Testimonial has been presented in Green while my comments have been presented in Orange:
Rae intrigued me.
"Rae INTRIGUES me" – if she IS my girlfriend she should still intrigue me in the present! She didn’t just intrigue me and then stopped intriguing me. Maybe she did intrigue me before i met her, in this case, shouldn't i, as Mike, have said something like "Rae intrigued me from the start."
I have not seen a lady with half as much knowledge as she has about my occupation.
Why would I call her ‘a lady’? I’m a subconscious feminist and using a word like ‘lady’ to describe her in a testimonial just sounds plain wrong. I would have used a word like ‘person’, because Rae is a person who is knowledgeable about my occupation. The fact that she is a female should not add to my awe that she is oh so knowledgeable.
She was more exhilarated than i am about flying, aerobatics, fighter pilots and RSAF acquired aircrafts.
I have no idea what this means… that she is enthusiastic about pilot stuff? Would I have written something along the lines of “She shows a surprisingly strong passion towards XX that surpasses my own.”
She can undeniably hold a good conversation and outwit any of her gender.
'…any of her gender' <-- If I did write this, did I mean to say that she could outwit only those of her gender and that she would never be able to outwit a man? How about those gender benders? How about those of her sex but not of her gender? How would Rae match up against them? I’m not even going to try rephrasing this… it sounds incredibly sexist and uneducated. I’m not sure if this was meant to be tongue-in-cheek or seriously romantic.
Our intellective conversation lasted hours. I'd like to revel in her company and the little of her fun-loving nature and wicked sense of humour, alongside our momentous date.
This phrase is just awful and not to mention painful to read… took me three goes to understand it. My version: “Our intellectual conversations lasted for hours and I reveled in her company, her fun-loving nature and her wicked sense of humor, during our momentous date”
Her confidence level is an added attraction to her beauty.
My version: “Her level of confidence only adds to my attraction to her beauty.”
It is doubtlessly my prestige and honour our paths crossed, to be acquainted with such a perfect rare gem. I could barely take my eyes off this gorgeous. The longing to bring her to the skies on her special day.I love you, sweet. Stay put, till my return
My version: “It is undoubtedly my prestige and honor that I met this gem. I could barely take my eyes of her gorgeous self. I long to bring her to the skies on her special day. I love you, my sweet. Await for my return.” To add to this, I am notorious for spelling words like ‘honour’ and ‘humour’ as ‘honor’ and ‘humor’, especially on the computer.
Mike might have charmed Rae with his grammatical horrors and linguistic poverty but surely i could not have came up with such a monstrosity. I have my vanity too. How could Ben suggest that Mike's style is like mine when it is so obviously flawed? Ben must be indeed motivated, to frame me, by another agenda.
A Working Hypothesis
So what truth is there in all this? Is there really some one out there Ben-like enough to be able to fool a girl such as Rae? How did Mavis find out about Mike? What did Ben say to Mavis, and why did he try to pin this whole thing on me? I suppose i'd never know why, unless the Ben or Mike comes clean. Until then, I'd still stand by my initial hypothesis:
Ben created Mike to dog other girls behind my back while he and i were still together.
He continues to use Mike while he dates Mavis.
Rae believes that Mike is her boyfriend. (Her friendster profile states that she is currently in the relationship)
Mike and Rae have spoken over the phone and have met in person at least once.
To add to this:
Mavis has caught Ben out.
In order for Ben to salvage this relationship, he requires a scapegoat. (ME!)
Ben has explained to Mavis that his evil ex-fiance ("driven to the brink of madness by jealousy") set him up.
Mavis believes him.
Mavis believes that I am Mike and Ben is not a cheat.
In Closing
I can hardly believe that Ben can stoop so low. Part of me would like to believe that there is some truth to his accussations and that someone is really impersonating him. However, the 'date' with Rae proved his downfall. It proves that Rae met someone who looked very very very much like Ben.
I'd never want to be responsible for breaking up a relationship. It's not something i'd do. It hurts that he would try to do something as seedy as to cheat on his current girlfriend and try to blame the whole fiasco on me. I'm not even in the same city or country as they are. This is utterly incredible.
Ben once quoted Socrates, on his friendster, "There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance." I believe it's painfully clear, in this situation, who is the one witholding the knowledge and who are the ones living in ignorance.
Referances
Their Friendster Profiles can be found at the bottom of THIS BLOG
An Epilogue of Sorts
I dont see how Ben can fast-talk his way out of this predicament. His girlfriends should know better.
If i am wrong, if Mike is really someone else impersonating Ben, then it is obvious that Rae is in on this impersonation scam as well, because Rae endorses the existance of Mike by displaying his testimonial. If Ben and Mavis think that i am responsible for the creation of Mike, they should activity file a report against these two individuals, via friendster for impersonation (and possibly defamation on a legal front). However, no such report as been made to my knowledge. One can only wonder why. Does everyone but me know what is really going on? Are they just living in denial, not wanting to know the truth? This is some elaborate hoax conjured up by the three of them in an attempt to make me look bad? How the hell did Ben think he could get away with this?
I can only hope that the two girls realise eventually, what exactly they have gotten themselves into. There are no winners in this situation. Everyone comes out looking foolish - except for me.
Feedback
Antik says:
[strange thing is] if he did used that to dog other gals..he can blame it on u discreetly no need to actually talk to u about it..unless he got his gf watching..or [that he is] going to send it [as] proof [to her]..but either way very stupid to dog his gf on like.. friendster..considering that the circle is big..but also small..
Antik says:
o btw can u tell Ben to fuck off himself..this from Hoi to him for being rude on u..
It's late enough to go driving... says:
this is freakin' hilarious. this guy my be friggin retarded. I'm reading your convo with him on your blog. what a dickface
Sabriel Dark Epic Drama Queen says:
i mean why would he drag me into this?
It's late enough to go driving... says:
cuz he wants a scapegoat
--dmi_x33-- ouch! says:
hhmm good read.. interesting.. what an insecure dickhead
H:
y … did [he do] that? the gf [is] stoopid (in denial). ask him fark off. fark it. heck care. the gal thinks ben is pilot. [it’s all because of the] money and reconigtion. i mean, for a singaporean gal to like him, becos of his fame [as a] pilot. and [the] money. that's y …have these 2 words, (deleted) and (deleted). anyway heck care.
The blood doesn't disturb you. you find my darkness enchanting. I've learnt not to be so afraid of it. I embrace it because you embrace me. how can someone be so perfect? how could you be so beautiful?
it bothers me that you love me so much. sometimes i just want to scream.
You're my white rabbit. I'll follow you into my wonderland, however uncertain it may be. I promise.
I recently discovered that the man who once loved me (and tried to kill me) is now cheating on two girls, pretending to be two different guys. I'm not sure how true the gossip is, but i feel terrible for him and the other girls involved. I'm not sure what else to feel but disappointment perhaps? i never thought someone who i was once so compelled to be with, my once upon a time soulmate, could turn out like this.
What's more disturbing are his justifications. He doesn't know any better. I want to tell myself that it's ok. But is it really? He's trying so hard to be someone he's not. He has nothing and wants everything. These girls... They never knew the him that was so wonderful to me... I had to let him go because everything just hurt too much. Where was the hero i once dreamt of? Has he finally become the villian of my nightmares? He could have been so much more. I feel like i should be mourning for him. My childhood love. Once my friend. Once my lover. Torn by fate. I thought we could overcome it all. It hurt. It really hurt. There's nothing more to do because nothing has changed.
I'm happier now. I know that life goes on and that i have to try to make the most of everyday. I'd never let myself be as jaded as he has become. my heart cries out for him to stop hurting these people. All his insecurities were always unfound. Did they eat him up so deeply that he's now lost? Please dont let things end this way. Please dont be this shell of a man. Please dont be a shell of the power i saw in you. It would crush me so badly. I wish you well. I've always had. Everything just hurt too much. Don't be like this. I knew you too well to believe that this is the real you. In my dreams, sometimes, I see glimpses of you. Before, i had to drown them out. Now they pop out of no where once in a while. You need to look inside yourself and find that glow again. Do not choke him out. Love him. Need him. Want him. The real you. Find him.
I've always wanted you to feel empowered. I wanted that shy, coy, uncertain boy to know who he really was. I wanted you to feel the power you have. This is not the way. This is abuse. I know that there are others as well. i just feel it. i can feel you trying and lying and knowing. Dont hurt these people. Work it out somehow. Please. You're not this bastard. I've always thoughts that you were better then this. This is weak. This is not you.
Yes, i have admitted over and over again. I have been a liar. In many ways, i had to lie to you, my friends and my family. I even lied to myself. It was all to try to keep you. It was all in the effort to make us work. I've paid my dues and even after doing so, you asked for so much more. In the end i could not afford to pay it anymore. In your eyes, with your love around me, i felt nothing. You dug so deep to make me love you, to make me miserable, to make me cry, to abuse me that in the end, i had nothing to give you. I became empty. I became nothing. No one deserves to live like that. Your love should not do that to someone.
i could never tell on him, like this, knowing and feeling how involved these people are. They are not my threads to cut. I claim no office in the position of fate. Verdandi, Verdandi, Verdandi... i can hear it call me towards facing the world, but i can't in this respect. betrayal does not become me, regardless of what he thinks about me. I love whom i love whom i love. I have to get this out of me, the disillusion is killing me. i dont think i know enough to judge this situation, but what i see hurts me. It disappoints me, cuz i feel for him. He was once a big part of me. He's not anymore.
A friend who was browsing through friendster, found these pages and emailed them to me, thinking that i would find them interesting. He egged me on to inform these girls, however, i declined. ( I have quite enough messages coming through friendster, from my friends, as it is to bother with this issue.) It's not my issue anyways...
Friendster Profiles:
Ben aka Mike: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2179731
Mike aka Ben: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=6813228
Girlfriends:
Mavis: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=551176
Rae: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=4650174
What did it mean when he said he had to check in with his girlfriend? I was once his girl. I was once in love with him. Maybe i'm still there? Maybe i'm not here anymore. I'm lose in a sea of want and need, but not for him. I'm in need of someone closer, someone better. i'm in deep trouble cuz i can't tell the difference between right and wrong anymore. I'm dreaming of a better time, a better place. My time is over. Our time is over. I'm sorry but i can't love you anymore. I can't save you if you dont want to be save. I'm your sentinal. I'm am Everything around you. Do you really whisper my true name in your sleep and prayers? Was that all just in my head?
