Under the Noctilcalitic Moon
"The Actor I Have to Protect"
I close my eyes and i feel you here. Cannot love. Cannot hold. How uncertain are these emotions. How futile and how it shifts when evoked. Did thoughts of me dance through your mind and did it fade when the smoke faded out of your system?
Must be brave and i have to hold on. Silence my allure to your heart. In a cage. I have been placed by my self to protect all that we have on our own.
Peices of you still lingers with me and in the dark i craddle it gently. I have to lie. I have to act. I cannot be me when you're in the stakes. Protocol would never have me. I'll fade away in dreams of you but only when i know i'm safe from judgement and repulsion sourced from my own sense of being.
"The Max"
I can't be touched. I've walked too far. I can't be moved. I'm running. I'm gone. You can't catch me. A victim chasing her pleasures, you shouted in my ear that i was replacable. Tell me again that you loved me like you did. They feel like lies that cut me distant and cool. I want to feel you again, but i'm afraid of your shadows. It's waiting to engulf and swallow me whole.
Closing my arms around myself, my bones break and fall away under my skin. I want to speak but only cobwebs drift out of my throat as my voice turns to star dust.
A soul gone missing. A wandering spirit. Bleeding life and begging death.
"Welcome to the Motel of Nightmares"
He came at me with a fire-thrower.
An Earthquake and a Bomb Attack.
His Father violated me.
I wake in a pool of tears and sweat. What is my mind trying to tell me? I need to be set free from this load of skin and bones. Tear away my flesh and reveil the monster inside me that i cannot hold back. I'm sorry for everything. I just want to let go.
"I'm Grasping for Life"
I hear voices that are not my own. Dream sticker. Love maker. I can show you the way now. Take hold of my hand dont let go. Never look back once i lead you astray from your mundane life.
Slipping away. Afraid of what i can show you. Don't not reach for me as i walk away.
A trust. Was it broken? The voices have spoken.
"Your Tall Stories to a Cloud of Dreams"
You said that we wont know until we try, and you then you said goodbye when i fell into your trap-door of lies. I can't hate you because that's not what i feel. I hate myself for being here.
Sounds and voices twist and turn into novel sunshine. I dont want to cry over you anymore because i told myself that you were not worth my time. I'm sorry but this is where i lie dying.
Why couldn't it be much easier? You were my friend. I wanted to touch you. But now, time distances us. I cant hold on to you forever.
You write about me like you cared. I saw bits of myself through your eyes. Now their closed and i've drifted blindly into oblivion. Guilty as charged, i wish you were still my own to call to.
You never moved on to me and i was glad that you were always there, but as the tin men move between us, we're both dying. Don't look back.
"Change"
I'm changing. I dont want to grow. I dont want to go. I can't hold on to these feelings anymore. Fleeting and falling, i'm drowning. Someone save me.
No. Hold on. Don't morph out of my comprehension. I dont want you to go. If you do, I'll hate you. Even when you have become a book written rabbits and dogs, I'll still hate you. I'll loathe thee.
Centralised and in pain, i know i'm not suppose to hold on to you, close to my heart because your razors shall cut me deep. I want want to go first. I want to fade away into nothingness so nothing will ever change.
Hold on to your reasons, run for you life. I cannot hear you now.
"I'm Glad"
Your friends will always be there for you. A physical comfort and a quiet conversation is all i could ever give you. I'm sorry i was never enough.
These will be the people you will never beat away. These will be the people you will have at the end of the day. I cannot stand up to you because of how you hold me down. I'm trapped. I'm dying but i can't say anything to upset you. I'm glad. I'm contented to die here in your arms. Eventhough i might not feel anything anymore. Beaten and broken. You'd never do that to your friends.
Don't look for me. I have my own problems too. Don't try to comfort me and blame me for your self impositions. You dont owe me. You can't tell me what i should be feeling when you touch me.
Go to your friends. I'm worthless to you.
"I Should be Fine Without You"
It's another day and eventhough there are wars to fight, I tell myself to feel stronger for myself. No one owes me anything.
I wanted to tell you that as long as you're there for me at the end of the day, I could face anything. I now realise how misguided that emotion was. The truth is that you're unable to be there for me, that I'm alone in my own being and i have my battles to deal with.
I'm alone. Deal with it.
If i stay silent, you are afraid.
If i speak, you are afraid.
There is no where i can turn. To you. For you.
Stiffling my tears as i choke towards death, i cannot call out for you because you'd never take it. You dont need me. You dont need this. I can't provide for you. I can't want you. It'll hurt you. You're hurting me.
I dont want to wait.
Don't worry about me. The damange has been done.
"Cover Me, Comfort Me"
You're out. It's 11pm. I wish you were here, instead. You made your choice. This is a reality. I really needed your comfort. If only i knew your intentions. I dont know how to feel now that it's 11pm. Cover me. Get off me. Comfort me - no, get off me. Why can't things be simplier?
I wanted to say "Life has been great since i met you. Thank you."
Could I? Should I? My very soul is starved for some where warm, fine and private. I should not want you. I should not expect you. I'm really in so much pain.
It's 11pm and you're still not home. Maybe I'm not worth it. Crystal and See-Through. And not much too you.
I'm hungry, but i could live without you. And if i can't i'll just die.
"Beautiful Collision"
Beautiful Collision - Bic Runga
What a beautiful collision
Things that go bump in the night
With such beautiful precision
Fate could create you and I
Do you know what it means
To abandon your dreams?
To leave with the storms rolling by
How the clouds on this day
Come to take you away
Til you're gone gone far away from me
Beautiful beautiful night
What a beautifully dangerous ride
What a beautiful day we could hardly complain about
What's going on in the sky
What a beautiful collision
Things that go bump in the night
With such beautiful precision
Fate could create you and I
Do you know what it means
To abandon your dreams?
To leave with the storms rolling by
How the clouds on this day
Come to take you away
Til you're gone gone far away from me
Beautiful beautiful night
What a beautifully dangerous ride
What a beautiful day we could hardly complain about
What's going on in the sky
Move with the strangers
That pass through your days
If someone by chance
Should call out your name
When you're lost in the places you don't care to stay
A blinding romance to blow you away
"Stop Eating"
I dont want to grow. I dont want to change. I just want to be who i am. Was that such a tough move to make?
Holding your hand, i feel like i can do anything. When did i allowed you to slip away. I'm tripping up on my own now. I can't hold on to these feelings. I'm grasping at straws to remember us.
I hate this feeling. Replace me please. I'm broken and torn and i think too much.
"Skins"
You gave me your jacket to keep me warm while you went away. In my psyche is stays piled up in the corner of my mind. Afraid of what it could mean, I turn away from these visions. How i wish i was holding your hand, just for a little while.
I love your skin.
"J"
Moving, twirling, i'm falling against this nothingness I cannot comprehen. I think about all the times you've pulled me away from the vortex, saving me from my monsters and I'd kiss you and have you hold me up against you.
Slipping away. You make me realise what little time we really have.
Scented and thick in contrast to my mild manners and wayward emotions, I wish you were truly mine. I'd gladly turn away from the world to be with you again.
"Reach for Me Again"
And I wonder if it could have been true that when I was dreaming what was inside your head, you were dreaming of me too.
Final moments melting in the pot. I feel sorrow for the abruptness and the intense emotions that came in floods. That chance was all i needed. Spinning in the air. Arrest and looking forward to the moment when I'll collide into you again.
As you walk away, the mist moves over my skin and bones. Shut out and protected. Again, we're left alone. A little more burdened then before.
It exsisted. It was true. On some level. I was true.
"Hand"
Hallucinations. Wanting more. Wishing a parrallel was there for us to escape to for a while. I can't let you go but you'll disappear soon. Maybe it's better this way. It's not like I know you ever cared. Just another person passing through life as it is. I can't stand this longing.
Maybe i was too reserve, but i wanted to hold you so close and comfort you. Your cool exterior betrays your soul. I know it. I can feel you, but only because i'm feeling through the pain too.
I could not say goodbye with warmth in my heart, because i knew that it would be a little colder here without you, perchance to have in my arms. A distraction from the stoney world.
Thinking and feeling way too much for our comprehension. A truth we can't deny. We'll just let these emotions slip away, in self preservasion and control. Rare beasts of a different creed. Freaks immortally.
Was there a connection or was it all in my head?
"Utter Compliance"
You expect me to obey and sooth your wounded spirit, yet you throw me aside like i am nothing to you.
Everyday i find is harder and harder to trust you as you slam me up against your double standards. In your silence, you've captured me. In my isolation, i want to die.
I did what you told me to do. Out of my way, against my will, i did it to please you. I have nothing in return. You did not believe me anyway. You never believed me anyway.
There is nothing i can do to change my situation but leave.
There's no where for me to run.
I hate you for all your choices. Did you ever spare a thought for me? I hope your blind panic, ignorance and pride was worth all of me.
All your broken promises - I abject to your dreams.
Lies and more lies.
I hate you.
"The Price of Pleasure"
You can't buy me out. I won't sell out.
You dont need me.
I have nothing to add.
"Simple and Clean"
Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru
You're giving me too
many things
Lately you're all I need
You smiled at me and said,
Don't get me
wrong, I love you
But does that mean
I have to
meet your father?
When we are older you'll understand
What I meant
when
I said
No, I
don't think life is quite that simple
When
you walk
away
You don't
hear me say
Please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean
Is the
way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
The
daily things
Tthat keep us all
busy
Are confusing me
That's when you
came to me and said,
Wish I could prove I love you
But does that
mean
I have to
walk on water?
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when
I
say
so, and maybe some things are that simple
Hold me
Whatever
lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings
The future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before
"They Were Always There for You"
Get out of my bed. Stop saying her name. It has nothing to do with me. You're here alone with me. Did you have to bring them in. Did i have to share you, even when you were trying comfort me?
It is not jealousy. Do not flatter yourself.
All that is truly here, is my frustration. If you understood me and how i felt, it would not be this way.
Did you say jealousy again? Am i that stupid to you? Leave. Please go. There is nothing more to say.
I stand alone, as you walk away in your stubborn resolution, so willing to believe your own shallow perception without wanting to understand me.
I'm upset and alone, and you comfort me by turning our attention away from me. The best cure for my loneliness, i'm sure you're the smart one. Thank god you don't practice.
Go back to your sluts and slags. You'd understand them.
Not me, I'm probably beyond you and your function. You're not screwed up, you're just an idiot.
It doesn't matter. They were always there for you. Watch while they catch you and make me disappear. It doesn't matter. You'll always have them. You ensured that. What about me? When did your hand slip from me as i faded into the nothingness you promised to rescue me from?
Liar.
Pointless.
I don't want to talk anymore.
"Haunted By Your Face"
To be Continued...
"Being Me"
I dont know. I feel like being alone because no one understands me. Otherwise, drug me up real good. I can't stay sane very much longer.
"You Look Like Me - Can't You Feel My Pain"
I saw that dullness in your eyes. I wanted to jump and suck it out, run my tongue along your eyelids and breathe into your olive skin.
You're just like me. Can't you see? You're just like me. Screwed to the bone. An Abnormality.
I held you in that dark for a second. For that short moment, i'd like to think i gave you comfort. I tell myself that i'd hate you one day, but uncertainty holds me down, just as the way your half close eyes hold me down.
I cannot move. Did i ever say that i'd run away?
"This Pain Inside"
Over my skin and under your touch. I cannot forget your face, as loneliness surrounds me like a familiar friend. In solitude do I find myself, twisted and in pain.
You could never sympathize. My suffering is my own. Do not lie and say that you know how I feel, until you have been inside my skin. Your attempt cuts me hollow and I bleed insistent that you leave me to die. I rather be alone then in half your arms. I deserve more.
You say you know. You will never be me.
You say you understand. You do not even speak my language.
You say that we are alike. Do not comfort your courtship with strawberry varnish.
I never wanted you. I never had you.
Like a side dish. So like the others. Experience means shit to me, unless you think I'm like the others. If I am, please go, I'd never other you that way.
There is nothing here for you. You lied when you saw me. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. I'm sorry I can't be normal. I'm not the girl you were looking for.
Your weak babble.
Your insecurities.
You never called me friend.
Did they leave so that they could be closer to you? Did they leave because you were you. I tried to rationalism. I have only come to understand them. Poor fool, I have become a statistic to you.
You blew her a kiss.
I saw you.
I could not care.
Sleep with her. Wait, you already have.
Care for her. Wait, you already do.
There's nothing wrong with that. Do not ask me stupid questions. Do not run to your girly conclusions.
Deny me. You already have. Do not bother to break the pattern.
I don't want to care. I don't want to see you either.
I turn away because your touch crawls on me like slime.
You seem more concern about her happiness than me.
It should be that way. After all, you sideline me so often that I feel like nothing to you. A mere distractions in your freedom. I once felt special. You make all your friends feel special. I wish it was my turn sometime soon.
Attribute and and run the psychoanalysis machine all you want. You will find nothing, but comfort for youself. Did you even care that i was alone, drowning constantly in my own poison. I can do that alone, without you. I dont need a asshole crying on the wayside, telling that i'm a bitch. You're jerk, tested and proven.
You forgot my birthday. You remembered everything else.
You left me a cold bed and I remember that I'm not part of your life.
Stick your dick here, and dump your emotional babble on me. That's why you found me. Just dont make a fool of yourself and tell me you know me.
I can only swallow what I have with sand and glass, hoping to bleed to death. It would be my pleasure to go.
"Just You"
Falling from my own inhibitions, a sugar crusted lie dances under the candied skies. Hungry for the touch of tomorrow, i turn away from your face as you leave indefinately. Shut me out. Go away. Your invisible charms still hold me hostage. I cling to every sign you give me. Somehow I'll get through this on my own.
Unshaken by our situation, damn to the fates to have put us at odds. I look forward to a time and place, private and fine to be with you. A connection longing to be rekindled and made. Fear grips me at the thought of such a chance. A doomed affair. I am happy where i am.
A distance look. A stir from our common sin. Your eyes meet mine and I know and feel what could have, should have been. In your eyes, I still stand no where close to your diva, but i'm so much more. I could have been so much more.
Your tokens i hold close to my heart. A stolen peice of you, the intentions of their possession ignored. Part of you, part of me. I hold you close. I dont want to slip and let it go.
Haunted by your face.
Put me at rest.
I still dream of you.
"Where You Once Laid"
Shutting out my sense, I recall the heat of your body, and the way it burnt against my cold cold skin. A serpent made human. How ironic. The monster made maiden.
A bitter laugh.
I reconcile my wants and needs.
Is this where this will all end? Tell me there's more to come. Tell me i still have a chance.
Could I have taken it all the wrong way? Are you like that with everyone. Balancing your world, keeping it together. I admire you from my distance. Am i worthy enough to tip over your pivot of control?
Close your eyes. I'll hold you till the pain subsides.
For a moment with you, i would have followed.
Our silence would have protected us.
Selfish. Selfless. All i knew was the want to touch your skin.
I trusted you only in my dreams. To walk further, i'd need your hand to guide me on.
