Under the Noctilcalitic Moon
"The First Morning After"
I wish he was here
"Accused"
I press my head against the bars of this cage. There is no way out. I built it. It is my own doing and now he has the key.
My brain is clouded. Drug induced satisfaction. I lean against my corpse. She is dead, i know she's dead.
Head long i plunged inside myself, there is no externals exit from here. Hidden under the makeup and skin. I'll be save. Silence. I hate you.
"Returning Sins"
10 days i've held my heart out. 10 mintues and i am shot down. Cold comfort i have none. just the coldness from his arms. Alast I am no longer useful to him. I was a pleasent voice, but now i am nothing.
I should have no sorrows. I'm sorry i shared my pain. Such burrens of mine are best left swallowed up. for i am nothing. the familiar chill of your shoulders and back, return to me. The spikes and frost both bring an air of familiarity.
My love has come home. My love...
My skin in burning. It hurts.
i have no one. i keep forgetting that.
Tormented, i am alone. There is no proof that i ever loved. All evidence stands against me because the trail wishes it so, gathered against me in blantant light.
I hate myself.
This pain.
There is no me.
"Concerning You"
I love you.
You know this.
"The Letter I Wrote Once, While You Were Away"
think i'm approaching another bout of depression ( a deeper one - like duh). i miss you. i kinda have this building resentment towards you for some reason. i dont know.. maybe i'm just feeling lost without you. it's a good sign i think.
there is a very fine line between love and hate. i think we approach that barrier everyday. i can't seem to shake all that has been happening for the pass couple of months. it's been half a year. i've been fighting for at least that long. how can that be ever replace? or consoled? if has not made us any stronger.. only weaker. i'm in so much pain. i know you dont want to hear this. you think i deserve this. you think i deserve to be hurt so much. you'd like to watch. you make being slaughtered feel like a miami vacation. i guess you've made me stronger that way.
sorry for bringing all this up. i just feel like i'm about to die again. it just swells up inside me. you've told me to die before. i guess if i ever feel the urge again, i wont know who to really share it with. you'd throw me away in a second. you've done it before. dont tell you wont. cuz i know you can. dont lie. i know you too well, you're part of me. i know me. i know us.
maybe you'll never hear me say all this. maybe i'll deny ever writing this. some cosmic cry for held. maybe god will hear my apin and take it all away. will you cry? or will you smile? will you come find me?
at this moment, i'm in so much pain. im alone and i can't help by burst into tears every other moment. i wish you were here. i wish i could touch you. i know you suspect me. i know you think i keep men around. i hate you for that. but i'm the whore. to not have them around would make that particular condemnation a lie. insecure? you should be. you made me the slut. you called me that. but no i do not keep any men around. why should i when all i want is you.
your only defense is that you wont and cannot believe me.
i'm trapped.
i wish i was dead. but then again, you wished that of me to.
my last rites.
you gave them to me.
you made me the living dead after.
why wont you redeem yourself?
I hear you say i'm not worth it.
you wont correct me either. get down on your hands and knees and tell me you love me.
cuz i hear you say i'm not worth it.
when all is done. why do you still run back to me, into my arms, to claim something that you have deemed worthless? you do realise i no longer feel what i felt. i'm not dead yet. undead and injured. i feel dead. if you touch me, if you kissed me. i will surely die.
i use to dream that we were lovers and your touch would burn me. to make love to me would kill me. taht was before all this.. was ist a sign?
was it a warning? is this separation for my own good?
then why do i hurt so much
i do not want to be the martyr. i did not choose this..my choices are limited though.
i have options and actions... i have to protect you too. i cannot be the burden.
do you still love me?
i no longer know. i can only hope. this hurts so much.
dont hate me.
in the course of this confession, i might have hurt you. dont be. i still love you. dont betray me by using my honestly against me. just dont. let me believe in you. i have faith. i want to. if you do, i will shut myself out. i'm already out in the cold, condemn by your powers.
i can't feel myself.. what if i'm already dead. The knife you stabbed in my breast. I can feel it.
Last rites.
You hand me my shroud.
I am no more. Maybe. I'm still here.
I dont know.
But i'm still here.
Breathe.
Stop.
Breathe.
Things should get better. There is still hope.
"Forgiveness"
What if i can never forgive him?
These words play in my mind like a broken record on a shot of speed. I wish someone would pull the plug on my brain, my body, soul. Permanently. For good. For the greater good.
i want to shut down. Forget.
That kiss. Those words. I hate them all. They are part of me now. How would he ever purge them, driven in by his repeated acts of hate against me. I dont want to love. I dont want him.
His silence bring me pleasure now - an illusion of peace. He will hate me when he knows this. Typical. Typical. Predictable. Use it against me. I dare you. I laugh salivating in my madness. Can you love me? Can you ever love me - a creature like me, driven to the barriers beyond insanity and the void of the absence of reason. hate me i dare you. Here is the blade. You remember it dont you? it was the first. Blunt and rusty. I was the first i broke myself with. Under your commond. Under your cause. For your cause for you. My eyes are empty, like the rest of my body. Pumped. Prepped. Fucked. I hate you. I hate your silence. I hate your absense. I hate you for everything you have done to hurt me.
You said you were sorry. You took it back. You vowed never to touch me again. You shall not take my blood, of my flesh and of my blood. You said you didn't want it. You said you didn't want me.
Yet i stay. Curious. Curious isn't it? Suspicious. I put myself through all this pain, for us, for you, for the future. I see it. i taste it. it's all an illusion isn't it? You're blind. Your reality is nothing. It all nothing. You dont know the truth. You wont see it. i hate you.
Yet i stay.
Yet i stay.
what can you say about me now?
slut, whore, bitch, idiot, retard.
I dare you.
I will not leave, but what if i can't forgive you? i've hurt myself. i've hurt you. redeeming me - you've made it impossible. If you touch me tenderly when you see me, whisper enduringly to me. I shall die. All this pain will be a lie. I've been living a lie. There is not truth. No i do not hate you. I love you. It makes no sense. Use this against me. I know you want to. Make youself feel good. I am the whore anyway. Your slut - didn't you say that? I remember.
You think i truly despies you. I never did. I never would. but you dont trust me. You wont. I dont hate you. that's not how i feel. All i see is you and the light.
But ignore me. I am mad.
Everything has made it so.
So it has been.
So mote it be.
"Netherworld"
This is not me. I hate this world. i hate everyone in it. i dont want to whine but i know i am and i know i have to. These thoughts can't stay inside of me forever.
I haven't cut myself lately. I guess that's generally good. He's away. The God is away. Yet i feel terrified. I'm alone. There's nothing to hold on to. It's nothing new. Mostly, I've been falling deeper everyday. At least i knew there was someone there, even if that entity was actively ignoring me.
Would it be a crime to confess that i feel a sense of peace, now that i know that i'm not being baited? Would it be a crime to say that his absence gives me a sense of freedom? but i am trapped. I've been held down and broken in. Domesticated and Dominated. There is only one road to true release and that path is one that i have promised not to follow for some time. A little white longer maybe. I dont know how much longer i can and have to hold on.
i hate my emotions. Illusions. I dont know what's real anymore. My mind plays tricks on me. Making me think that i know things. I hate it. I wish my brain was sucked out of me. I hate these voices.
I dont want to think. I dont want to hate. I just want to be at peace. Cotton up my ears. No more noise. Madness fuses up my body and soul. Nothing is real. Nothing will ever be real. Everything is dying.
Just leave me alone, like you've always done. I hate you. I hate me.
There is nothing new here.
You've always known that.
"Stitches"
Everything seems to be slipping away. My fuse is short and i can't concentrate on anything. I need my bass. I need my angry Lilith Grunge Music. Drown out everything. I dont want to be here.
I love who i love who i love who i love who i love.
Dont use me so. Not like that. Can't let go of you...
Hold on, dont slip away like everyone else in my life. It's not over. I dont care if we never spoke our minds to each other. It's not fair for you to go without seeing me for who i really am.
Tasting the fruits from your fingertips. I can't help but recall better times. I can't cry however. I have no more tears to deal with this. I have not more tears or blood for all of you.
I dreamt that all was drained away from me. That was my reality.
"I Hate You/Don't Leave Me, Just Go/Don't Walk Away"
I dont want to be here. I can't take this anymore. I wish someone would clip my arteries and leave me for dead. I can't do this. I'm so tired of here, there, me and myself.
Who's this person staring at me in the mirror? I hate her so much. There is no more me. There's only dust. I can't take this...
Angels above. Demons below. What a lie. What a inverse of truth. Let me go. I admit that i failed. I admit that i failed everyone and that i am to blame. There is so much more to be done, but i can't do it.
Strap me down. It'll all make sense. Don't open your eyes. Just dream away. There will be no lost, if you didn't not know the true value of it anyway...ignorance is bliss, isn't that what they say?
Nothing was ever meant to be fair. I know that. I grew up with that. The way things are, are the way things are. He hates me. He's suppose to hate me. Everything is a lie.
Remember love. Remember the truth. Everything else is a trick. Don't believe it for a second.
Thumping, Thumping goes my head. My ears ring as the pressure is released against them. Break my skull, bruise my brain please. The takes away the misery. The pain is everything. This tempts and tortures. I hate this. I hate myself. Why am i alone. Why did i have to do this alone? Lies... Kill me now. You have no real need for me, I'm only the iron glove that allows you to reach up the touch the sun. You dont care. You dont know and you dont want to know. I'm nothing. There's nothing to know.
Hold the universe in your bear hands. You will perish. I can't watch. I can't watch us die.
I'm nothing now.
My Condamnation, My Salvation.
Sanctuary, I plea. Or Eternal Oblivion. I dont want to care. I dont want to choose. It's only star dust.
"Throw Up"
What is this in my hands, my loneliness made flesh. My stomach turns. My body as empty as my soul.
This is torture.
I know.
Make it stop.
I can't.
I pull my hair. Something has got to give way.
No. Nothing can be done.
Shut the bitch up. Pull out your blade and be done with it.
This is not fair. This is not me. I spit on all of this pain. Angular bones reflected in the mirror. How many more days to go before this vessel gives way?
The spewing turns into a blood clotted mess. Good. It's better this way. I dont want to be here anyway. I just want to exist where i was in his arms. Not that he can't hear me. Everything way so clear then. It was just an illusion. Dreams are signposts of the other planes. There were suppose to be other plans for us.
Where did it all go? When did i stray? Was i not good enough. Why am i back here again, all alone, before the gates of eternity. I'm trapped.
And all i have and smell, is the vomit of my being.
Human.
"I Dont Care"
Maintain. Maintanence. I'm staying. I'm here. Perseverance. I dont want to talk about it. I just want to stay here, in love with you.
He silences me. He can't bear to hear my words. My skin burns up against his touch. I think i'm gone. I think i'm done for.
Push me away. Stuff my throat with pills and chemicals. I'm happier this way. I bleed alcohol and bile. I'm know that I'd be too drugged up to feel any pain, as you position me to be dominated by you and have your way. Take it all way. It's not like i have much left to give. All I have are lies anyway. I'm worthless to you. A doll on your shelf.
You say that i'm loved (by you), then why would you gut me up inside out? Pull out my speen and be done with this murder.
I can be an empty shell. I can be a fool. I can close my eyes as you violate my sanctity, tear up my silver wings and peel away my goldren flesh. Just dont go. Just stay until i have had my last breath.
i belong to you. I belong to this pain. I'm home here. You are where i shall call my own.
Though you're hurting me....you're still all that keeps me here.
"Cold Desolation"
Can't make sense of anything and everything. I have a stack of bills that i reduse to pay until the day of which they are due. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of all this beaurcacy. I'm trapped in a world runned by paper pushers and computers that dont know how i feel. I dont want to touch money. I dont want credit cards. I dont want anything to touch me.
I just want out of this pain.
Why can't things be simplier. Why can't the noise just stop. I'm falling deeper and i can't stop myself. The walls are falling and crumbling onto me. i'm being buried alive. I'm not like anyone else... i feel like a monster. I feel like all that was human in me has vanished... maybe it was never there in the first place. Maybe, i've managed to come to terms with not pretending anymore.
I'm overwhelmed by the voices.
I can't stop.
I want everything to stop.
I want this pain to stop.
"Cover My Mouth"
I can't talk anymore. Things are the way they are because they are. I tried. I really tried. Things are okay, as long as i dont say anything, as long as i dont do anything. I just want to be next to him. I have have no more words to say.
Choke the life out of me - i'd love you more.
I just want to have him in front of me always. My goal, my agent. I dont want to be this way anymore. i dont want to lie in bed, afraid about what today might bring. I dont want to feel like i'm fall apart. Love isn't suppose to make anyone feel this way.
I'm breakable.
I'll huddle in my corner and wait for the storm to subside. I can't take this. I can't take anymore of this. I feel sick, inside out.
What more can i do or say?
If he loved me...
There's nothing more to talk about. We are going around in circles.
I'm afriad. I'm alone. There's no one i'd rather be with then you. There's no meaing behind my words. I'm abandoned and betrayed. Nothing can heal me. I want out.
These words aren't for you alone, My Tourniquet.
Cosmic Cosmos. Take whatever you need and drain me dry. There isn't much left. Only skin and bones. A sack.
I'm empty inside.
I dont want to talk about this anymore.
I'm hurting inside.
"Slamming Against the Wall to Stop Myself from Falling to Peices"
Why can't there just be a moment of silence between us?
I dont want to fight anymore. I just want to lie there with you. A moment of peace. I don't want to cry. I just want to stay there beside you. No words. There have been too many words. Meaningless words that only hurt us.
Everything i touch turns to shit. Everything that i am is but poison. Why won't you help me? I'm not important enough. Sometimes i know that if i disappear it would all be the better for you. Will you ever stop me? I hate being here. I hate everything about me.
Stop this damage, please. I'm dropping over the edge. Take me into your arms. Everything is a lie. I'm hurting so much.
I just want to be in love with you.
My head hurts. I'm alone. I dont know what to do. I dont want to talk anymore. Everything hurts.
I dont want to get over you.
I just want to make it through everything with you.
I want to cry.
I'm so tired.
I'm in love with you.
"End Time"
I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Only another end to another beginning to another end to another start of another path to another dead end. there is no freedom for me. Only silence.
"The Final Battle of the Self"
Can you tell if i am she or me?
Parasite Lilith and Parasite Eve.
You did not know her, or me for any matter of fact. How could i expect you to make any comparisons now. Only an illusion. You saw a glimps of what was to be. Choke her life out. Your dominating need. Vanquish the only being who could lead you to your destiny.
I laugh, yet tears falls down my face.
I hate you. I shall destroy her.
She gave you her blood, her soul exposed.
Judgement. We have been condemned.
Burn us. Burn her. You are tempted to purge your self of us. She clings to me, because she knows that i am the only one with her.
Help us.
I await you with my last breath. My blood soaked hands reach out to your fingertips.
Hold me.
I'm afraid of what might be. Alone. Loneliness. I do not want You to suffer that. You shall lose your way. I can only say this much.
Alas, we are gone again.
To bed, to bed, and sleep washes over she and me. Silence befalls us. Neither she nor me shall say more.
I love you.
Come what may, but i am afraid.
"Mother Fuckers - Poor Little Lambs"
He betrayed me for his friends. I have a list on my wall. I knew this would happen. He doesn't love me. He has destroyed any possiblitily of me going back. i have to sew up their lips with a torn now. No not blame me. I am only the witch i was born to be. You brought it upon yourself. They will all suffer. They made me do it. He made me do it.
We were suppose to slay the beast. We were suppose to make things better. I'm still alone. Even after all his promises, i'm still alone.
He sold me out to his friends for attention. He wanted to be pitied. He needed to be the center of attention. He betrayed up.
He made me do it. He made me this monster. He didn't help me kill her. He sacrificed me to save himself. Pushed me into the fire. I burn for a crime i did not commit to satisfy his self indulgence. His greed.
Lilith and Eve walk hand in hand, through the garden, leaving Adam trailing behind.
Whisper, Whisper, Serpentine. Liar, lay there in your lair. Man of No Worth. Man of Lies. Man of Defecation and Bile. You close your eyes and now she's mine.
Tighter, Tighter, Serpentine. I choke her life out, while you indulge in your manhood. She's taken over. You have lost. You were suppose to save her. She hangs in my arms and slides into my belly. You're too late. You bit off her flesh and she laid weak at my feet and to my desires. Foolish Adam. Foolish Love. Induge in your own reflection, for she is gone. Nevermore to be seen, to be touched.
Ignored.
Your Ignorance.
You made your choice.
God is dead.
You are my God.
Slice.
This is the end. I wish you could have saved me.
"Nothing I Can Do"
There's no rewriting the past. Even one that i never lived. I am my past, whatever that may be. I have no power of perception.
I might as well die.
All this bitching and moaning is getting old.
"Depraved Angelic Presense"
I look at the dents in my skin.
Slice. Slice. Slice.
They are healing now. I remember the blood. The scent of pain. I wish i was there now, but i do not dare venture into that realm, because i'm afriad that i might not return this time.
I sense a time bomb inside me. I know it will eventually explode. If i slip up, if i do not control myself, i will destroy myself.
Is it human to do so?
Am i abnormal? A monster? A contrust of dellusion and malmanufacture? I can only say i do not want to be this way, but prehaps, that is what is causings me to want to go.
There a secret that i cannot tell. I dare not confess it to myself or the ones i love. In a sense, i do not know what it truly is. It exist only as a babble between my conscious and unconscious self, somewhere between sleeping and waking. There i know, it lies like a sleeping beast.
This beast grunts in its sleep. Plumes of posionous gaseous smells escapes its body. I purge it. Vomit and bile. Blood. Thick and acylic. This is not me. Away! Away!
It sickens me. I am indeed going mad. The beast claws at my inner being. There is nothing left.
I am not my own, but a parasite now. A mitochrondric eve. Adam denies me. We do not even exist. Monkeys and apes. Primates who are in search of a dream. This womb gives me the right to be eve. I denouce my eggs. I denouce my blood. Deny me again and i shall forget this human that i am. This shell is still human. She bleeds.
Away...
I cannot look at you, or myself.
I have felt too much pain and I am afraid. Afraid.
"His Pleasure"
Spiralling madness. There is only silence. No words need to be spoken. His claws dig deep into my flesh.
My eyes. His fixation. A moment in time.
Licking his lips. One more. One more chip.
Meow - Morpheus Loves His Pringles!
